The following article is based on an edited transcript of the above video:
I’m here today to talk about why it is that women do not just go ahead and reveal their feelings for you during the dating process, because most guys have to go on two or three dates and be like, “Hey, so I just want to know where you’re at and what you’re thinking about and feeling.” And those guys get surprised when they get dumped after asking that question. But why are they getting dumped? Why is it that a woman is not, at that point in time, willing to reveal the feelings she has or what she thinks about you? And really, why are you so eager to know that? Because, guys, I’m telling you, it takes two or three months. So you should be sitting back and saving those kinds of questions until month three, if you’re going to ask them, which I recommend you don’t. But anyway, let’s go ahead and go through it. Here are the five reasons why women don’t just tell you how they feel about you during the course of the dating process.
The first reason is that women are usually uncertain about how they feel about you, especially at the time you’re asking them.
They haven’t fully figured out their feelings, especially by the second or third date. They’re still in the process of determining if they enjoy the conversation with you, if they are attracted to you physically, or if they might consider a casual encounter. However, when it comes to envisioning a potential long-term relationship, they have much more to contemplate regarding their feelings and various other factors that we’ll discuss. So, when you ask her how she feels and she responds with uncertainty, it’s because she genuinely hasn’t reached a conclusive understanding yet.
However, she may also perceive it as unfair to you if you’re already at that point of having strong feelings because it implies that she should have reached the same level of certainty in the same amount of time as you. This imbalance isn’t fair to either of you. Asking women about their feelings too early can backfire and sabotage your own chances. I understand the anxiety and the desire to avoid investing time, effort, energy, and money into someone who may not be interested in a long-term relationship. However, after just three dates, it’s not time to go shopping for answers by asking, “How do you feel about me?”
I’m telling you, guys, it takes them two to three months to truly evaluate and consider their options, to conduct due diligence, and to navigate through a range of considerations. If you don’t give them that time, they will feel uncertain and realize that you seem certain while they’re not, which will ultimately lead them to exit the situation. By rushing things, you’re essentially sabotaging your own chances.
The second reason women don’t just tell you how they feel while dating is that they are still trying to establish trust and consistency with you.
If you’ve gone on three dates and you’re already thinking, “I already know I like her and trust her, so let’s get to this relationship thing,” you’ll find that most women, if you truly listen to them and hear about their previous dating stories, have been in situations where they rushed into a relationship with a guy too soon. Their safety was at risk, and he wasn’t as trustworthy as they expected.
So, most women will take two to three months to see if you’re consistent, if you do what you say you’ll do, if you’re trustworthy and honest, and if you genuinely match the image of a good guy you claim to be. Are you actually living up to that reputation? She needs time to see that so she can start to establish in her head that “this guy is who he says he is and he’s giving me the time, he’s not rushing me. So I don’t feel as though he’s trying to put the wool over my eyes. This guy could actually be legit…” but that takes time. So she needs that two to three months to see consistency and establish trust.
During that time, as she’s analyzing that, yes, her feelings and attraction for him are gonna be growing, but she’s not gonna want to tell you where her head’s at because she’s still on that journey. By the time you get to like month two or three, her interest level in you is probably gonna be close to like 80 to 85%, which is pretty high. In the first month of dating, it might get to like 65, maybe 70 if you started off really strong. That’s still not high enough for her to be wanting to tell you how she feels because she’s thinking, “I’m really liking this guy. He’s not like any other guy I’ve ever dated, but I still need to make sure he’s consistent.” And until she’s finished that journey of seeing your consistency, she’s not gonna want to tell you how she feels because she’s thinking it’s waffling.
Her interest may be 70% one day, then 60% the next, but depending on how well you treat her on any given day and what you’re saying to her, it might go up or it might go down. Women in the dating phase tend to live in the world of “depends.” In her head, “How I feel about you on a day-to-day basis depends on various factors. It depends on what we did today, what we talked about, how he approach the idea of hooking up, and even small gestures like opening my door. All these things factor into how I feel.” This “depends” mentality will fluctuate back and forth for three months until she can confidently say, “You know what? I can now depend on him to open my door, be nice to me, and not react aggressively when things don’t go his way.” So, give her that time to establish trust and dependability.
The third reason why women don’t readily express their feelings while dating is that previous dating experiences may cause them to second-guess whether they want to pursue a serious relationship.
I recently mentioned a documentary I saw called “The Longest Third Date Ever.” In this documentary, two individuals went on two dates and then unexpectedly got stuck together in Costa Rica for three months due to unforeseen circumstances (referring to C-19). Throughout the documentary, the woman expressed her uncertainty about entering a serious relationship. While the experience was enjoyable, she had reservations due to past experiences. She didn’t want to rush into something and wasn’t even sure if she wanted to commit to a serious relationship. Initially, it was supposed to be a good time, but then she was unsure about her feelings.
And so we, as men, think that if a woman expresses uncertainty or gives indications that she’s not sure, we’re automatically ruled out. But let me tell you, guys, women often reside in the land of “maybe” and “depends.” This means that she might feel strongly about you one day during the dating process and then feel unsure the next day. She might feel great about you one day, but then become apprehensive the next. We might interpret this as a sign that she eventually won’t want us.
However, the back-and-forth in her mind is her battling with herself between really wanting the relationship and questioning if it’s genuinely what she wants. It’s a conflict arising from past experiences where she didn’t get what she desired. She needs to navigate this internal struggle while you continue to show up consistently and build trust. So, don’t assume that if a woman is uncertain about pursuing a serious relationship while dating you, she won’t eventually choose you.
This is why I tell you guys, as long as she’s saying yes to dates, being consistent in showing up, and enjoying herself during the dates and hookups, then you’re good. You, as the guy, don’t need to rush into labeling the relationship. In fact, not labeling it right away gives you the benefit of exploring other potential connections until she approaches you and says, “Hey, I’ve been thinking, what are we?”
She might express that she didn’t initially want a relationship but doesn’t want you to date anyone else either. Let her initiate that conversation. Don’t be surprised if a woman spends the first three months contemplating whether she wants to be in a relationship or not. Your role is to show up and enjoy her company, without pressuring her for a decision. By doing so, you let her know that you’re not forcing her to choose, which often results in her ultimately choosing you. It’s a Jedi mind trick, but it works.
The fourth reason women don’t just tell you how they feel about you when they’re dating you is she may be showing you that she likes you in other ways that are more passive, and you’re just not picking up on it.
I remember in college, women would come to my dorm just to say hi or see me across the yard and give me a certain kind of wave, and at the time, I would think, “That’s not a big deal,” or “They’re just doing that to my friend.” I didn’t realize that those were their signals. So, you might need to study and pay attention to other signs of her interest.
Is she occasionally paying for meals? Is she taking you out sometimes? Is she complimenting your appearance or telling you that you smell nice? All these things could be her way of expressing that she really likes you, without verbally stating her feelings. Verbalizing her emotions may be a significant step for her, but she’s hoping you’ll catch on to her subtle hints.
The fifth reason women don’t just tell you how they feel when they’re dating you is that they may be afraid of saying things too soon and then making the wrong decision, which would require backtracking later and potentially hurt your feelings.
For example, let’s say a woman has been dating you for only a month, and she suddenly declares her deep feelings and professes love. Many women have had experiences where they rushed into things too quickly. Then, they witnessed undesirable behavior or discovered red flags that made them question their decision. Maybe they saw you getting high and cursing at her when hanging out with your friends, or observed you being rude to a server. In these cases, they realized they hadn’t done enough due diligence during those initial three months. Now, they find themselves in a situation where they regret their hasty declaration and need to end the relationship.
However, they fear potential negative reactions from you, such as abuse, neediness, or even stalking. They don’t want to deal with the aftermath of revealing their feelings and facing those consequences. It’s better for them to take their time in the first three months of dating, not revealing too much about their feelings, as they are still in the process of building trust. This approach allows them to avoid making a premature decision that they would later have to backtrack on, causing even more damage when ending the relationship.
Recognize that many women have been through a lot of crappy dating situations. So if they’re not saying after month one, “Oh, I really like you,” there might be reasons behind that she’s maybe not willing to talk about yet. But that’s why I tell you guys, if you just put in your head, “she needs at least three months before she’s gonna come to me with the ‘what are we’ conversation,” you will make your dating life so much easier.
I have found, like across the board, most women, if they really, really like you after like two and a half months, they’re coming to you. “Hey, so are you dating anybody else?” “Hey, so what are we?” “Hey, so we’ve been going out for a while…” “Hey, so my friends have been asking about what are we? And I just want to know, like, what’s going on with us?” They will come to you if you’re not the one pushing the agenda.
Which reminds me of the bonus reason why women don’t just tell you how they feel. It’s because, at the two and a half to three-month mark, it becomes their job to ask you where you stand. If you haven’t expressed your feelings and told them where you are in the relationship, they will naturally become curious and want to know.
You might start getting hints around the one and a half-month mark, such as questions like, “Are you seeing anyone else right now?” or comments like, “I was thinking about you after I left your house.” These are the subtle signs that she’s looking for indications that you have feelings for her. Allow her to be the one to initiate these conversations.
I cannot stress this enough. They want to take on the role of being the sleuth, doing a little detective work. They want to analyze your words and actions to determine how you feel. When you jump the gun and ask these questions prematurely, before they have finished their due diligence and vetting process, it often leads to negative outcomes, and you might find yourself out of the picture. Based on probability and my own results, waiting the three months, or around two and a half to three months, has shown that women tend to come to me. This trust in the process prevents me from asking women questions like, “How do you feel about me?” or “Where do we stand?” These questions can make women perceive a lack of confidence in your ability to attract them, which can be more of a turn-off than you might imagine.
So keep that in mind, guys. Women, more often than not, won’t be explicitly sharing all their feelings during the dating process. Instead, focus on their actions and consistency. Are they saying yes to dates? Are they consistently agreeing to hookups or outings? If so, know that you’re in a good place. Wait for the three-month mark, and you won’t have to worry about knowing how she feels because, believe me, by that third month, all the feelings will come pouring out.
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